Real Questions Kids Ask About Their Parent's Cancer
Kids process a parent's cancer diagnosis differently than adults do. They often carry questions they don't feel comfortable bringing to their trusted adults because they don't want to add to what their family is already carrying.
That's why Pickles Group built Phone a Pickles Friend into our programs. It gives kids a chance to ask questions about their parent's cancer without fear of upsetting anyone. Between group sessions, Kelsey Mora, our Chief Clinical Officer, answers them with honest, age-appropriate information and group facilitators bring them back to the group during the next session so everyone can learn together. Parents are also looped in, so they know exactly what their kids are curious about and discussing in their groups.
Every week, Pickles kids submit big, hard, sometimes surprising questions. But according to the folks at kidsgrief.ca, who first identified this pattern, most of what kids are really asking falls into four categories; what they call the Four C's: Can I catch it? Did I cause it? Can I cure it? Who will take care of me?
Here's how those four questions show up in Pickles Group in the kids' own words, and how our team answers them.
Can I Catch It?
Young kids' main frame of reference for illness is the contagious kind — colds, flu, the sniffles that keep them home from school. So it makes sense they'd wonder if cancer works the same way.
One question we received: "If my mom has cancer will I get it?"
Our answer: Cancer is never contagious, meaning that you can't catch it like you would a germ or bacteria like a cold, flu, or virus. Some cancers are related to genetics or family history, and in this case family members of a person with cancer may have some medical tests taken to check for signs of cancer and treat it early before it becomes a problem. We encourage you to ask your adult if you're unsure about your family's situation.
Did I cause it?
This question can catch parents off guard, but it's more common than you'd think. Kids, especially younger ones prone to magical thinking, often try to make sense of a scary diagnosis by looking for something they did wrong.
One question we received: “How do I help mom and dad to get rid of cancer?”
Our answer: The doctor’s job is to help with treatments to fight cancer. They’re working really hard to help parents get better. The best way you can help your parents is by being you—continuing to do well in school, giving hugs, drawing pictures, spending time with them, and helping with little things when you can. That makes them feel loved, and that’s really important.
Who will take care of me?
This question can surprise adults, it might bring up thoughts of death and dying that parents aren't ready for. But it doesn't always mean that. Sometimes it means: who takes care of me while you're at chemo? Who picks me up if you're not feeling well?
One question we received: “How do I manage my mom's prognosis while also needing a plan for my own life?”
This is a complicated reality of balancing uncertainty about the future and hope for the future, but both are important. Life can’t always go on pause when someone has cancer and hope is an important part of coping, it just might shift, change, and look different over time. Sometimes it can help to talk about it with your family and other times you might choose to talk about it with others such as Pickles Group or another trusted adult.
You don't have to navigate this alone
The Four C's, a framework developed by kidsgrief.ca, come up again and again in our programs, which is exactly why Pickles Group built Phone a Pickles Friend: a safe, anonymous way for kids to ask their biggest questions and get honest, age-appropriate answers.
If your family is just starting to navigate a cancer diagnosis, Connect Over Cancer is a great place to begin. The program is a free, 5-week virtual program where kids build peer connections while learning about cancer in a way that's proven to ease stress and worry.
For families looking for ongoing support, Pickles Jars offers free, school-year-long monthly virtual groups, including one track specifically for kids whose parent is facing advanced-stage cancer and one for kids who have lost a parent to cancer.
